why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
They have beer where we have blood.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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