It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
