My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
