So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
