What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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