No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
