hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize