Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
