he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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