if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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