I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
