shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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