My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
