I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
