if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
