I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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