this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
