Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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