i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
