well I can't set my house on fire every night
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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