i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one