Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i think my cat just said my name.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.