I accidentally had phone sex last night
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Drunk is not a location!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
