My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
