thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.