I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
