so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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