You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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