I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
