I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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