I need to stop coming to work sober
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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