Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
one might say we're banned from that church
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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