i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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