You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
