im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
