How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
