Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
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There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
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Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.