Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
