I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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