He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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