Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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