She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Can Purell be used as lube?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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