Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
