So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
