now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Randomize
