I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
