Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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