Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
