This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
