All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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