i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
