pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
