I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
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Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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