My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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