I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
