Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
